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Shattered Hope: Absence

30/06/10 || sly

I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole album was conceived one day as Nick the Greek was sitting on the pot with a bout of constipation. One minute he was desperately wishing his poop would come out, and the next, his mind was on a downward spiral as he thought about how shitty he life really was. Not being able to defecate was just peanuts to the crap-fest of a life he led! He slipped into a depression, and sobbed quietly for some time. Then, feeling the need to be manly, he grew very angry and started to yell incoherently. His friend, Thanos, who was in the next room, heard his cries and had the good sense to record them. He shouted for Sakis to grab his guitar and come hither. They played in unison as Nick continued to growl and groan. Thanasis, Eygenia, and… George? heard the commotion and rushed inside to see what was happening. Luckily, they too had their respective instruments on hand and joined in. Nick rumbled and roared until a small greasy turd popped out of his anus. And he named it “Absence”.

This, of course, is not the true story of how this turd of an album was born. Actually, it would be a lot cooler if it was the truth. At least they’d have a unique story. As it is, nothing is very unique about this album, except the fact that I’ve never been more bored in my life. So slow and bland is this recording that I had to listen in increments so as not to fall asleep.

The entire thing is heavily dragging guitars, with some na-na-na-na melodies, and gargled constipated vocals. The only place where this monotonous piece lets up is at track six where it turns into some sort of whiny violin bit. If getting through the first five tracks didn’t turn you suicidal, this one will surely do the job. One hundred seventy-six awful seconds of droning strings, slower than a 90-year-old man trying to cum, leak into track seven for the first forty seconds before things “pick up” and turn back into what they were before. In this same dull manner, the album slugs on for another seventeen minutes, with a bit of mediocre keyboard, and the thing is finally over.

At least if they said, “Hey, we’re Shattered Hope. Look, we’re pretty much exactly like the bands we worship- only Greek”, it would be a little more acceptable. But no. Their website actually claims that they “do not remind of any other specific band. They have quite a personal sound…” Five minutes in will tell any seasoned doom metal fan who knows his shit that they sound exactly like My Dying Bride, or Anathema. Shattered Hope has basically learned the formula of 90’s doom/death metal, and are offering their inferior imitation version. If this were vodka, or ouzo in this case, it would be on the bottom shelf in a plastic jug, selling at $5/gallon. And believe me, if you drink the whole thing, you will die.

Now, if you will pardon me, I am going to take a few Ibuprofen to rid myself of the headache this album has caused me.

2,5

Information
Released: 2010
Label: Unknown
Website: www.shatteredhope.gr
Band
Nick: vocals
Thanos: guitar
Sakis: guitar
Thanasis: bass
Eygenia: keyboards
George: drums

Tracklist
01. 13 minutes of boredom
02. 9 minutes of utter boredom
03. 9 more minutes of boredom
04. Only 3 1/2 minutes, thank god..
05. Nearly 8 more minutes of total boredom
06. 3 minutes of “Holy shit, I’m going to kill myself”
07. 18 more minutes of… I fell asleep.

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